Make Your Own Parade

With the arrival of Spring, naturally my spirits are a bit lifted and heart is lightened. This is a big thing, considering all that last year brought and the remnants that are still present to be moved through as they come. I am remembering many things, particularly moments and experiences over the course of the last twelve years or so when my creativity was given an opportunity to shine and when I was able to rise to an occasion to present my most bright and colorful self to the world. A secondary but equal benefit was the hope that whatever it is I did or was involved in would somehow make a positive impact on the world around me. Would touch people’s hearts.

I didn’t organize the parade I led the day this photo was taken. My dear friend Ginger Balizer-Hendler wrote a book titled “The Adventures of Gingerella” that became a musical theatrical work, and also an installation in Riverhead, NY. Ginger’s book is absolutely heartwarming. With a hint of “The Little Prince”, she wrote characters in the form of animals, except for the main character Gingerella. The story is about Peace. When she asked me if I would like to contribute to her installation in Riverhead, I didn’t hesitate to say yes! I created a few floating beings which were incorporated into her installation (one image can be seen here on my website on my Mixed Media page) and Ginger also asked if I would lead a parade from the gallery to the local organic community garden, leaving the costume and presentation up to me. It was such a joy to be there and when I saw this photo that my dear friend Renata took, and saw that people had been following me… yes, indeed I was leading a parade!… it warmed my heart so much!

When I look at my home movies, I’m a ham, I ran around in circles, danced and pranced and posed for the camera, and had so much energy! It was always in me. In my dysfunctional family, I wasn’t seen so eventually I became invisible, or so I thought. That was then. How I made it from there to here is, really, a miracle!

When I was a child, I wanted to sing and thought I could but it was made clear that it was better and safer to stay quiet. I loved dancing but clearly that was out too. So I turned to visual art. It was quiet and I could do it any time, even in the comfort of my own room without anyone knowing. Same with writing. But art saved me, really saved me through so much of my life. It still is and ART will always be my first love. But honestly, I go in many directions, creatively-speaking.

In 2012, I learned I could sing when I joined a choir and have been singing on my own and even writing songs ever since. When I was drawn to butoh dance in 2010 and then began busking up in town, people’s reactions told me I could, and that I was making a difference. I had to reach out to discover myself. I had to put myself in new situations to see what would happen. I had to “make my own parade”. Then people saw me! I was invited to dance at events and was even paid for some. I was invited to do photo shoots, like the creative shoots I did with the talented Alex M. Wolff. Those were fun and really helped me embrace my love of costume and drama and the end result were photos I can look back on that tell stories. I had to put the ball in motion by putting myself out there and there was a chance I would be laughed at, or worse… not seen at all. But I was seen, and acknowledged, and invited to continue. So I did, whenever I could.

When I was in my 20’s a family member knew the well-known Civil War artist from my home town, Mort Kunstler and introduced me to him. Mr. Kunstler invited me to his beautiful home and he and his wife were so gracious and down to earth. He gave me advice as a young artist. He told me to show my art wherever and whenever I could because we never know who will notice us and what it will lead to. I remember that day vividly and have taken that advice as one of my life’s mottos.

And here I am… still dealing with chronic illness (walked with a cane in 2009, symptoms eased then cane again in 2012, symptoms eased, then cane again now) and the strokes of last year and still I am painting! I put myself out there in the ways that I can. And truthfully I go much slower than I’d like and need to rest much more often than I would choose to, but it is necessary. This is not just age. This is not age. This is chronic illness and as I write, I am acknowledging to the depths of my heart my immense bravery, fortitude, and strength of spirit. As I look over the photos of the performances I have done, often I did not know if I could get there until I was there. Occasionally I did not make it and had to let someone down, but it was met with compassion and I was much harder on myself than anyone else could have been because I really, really want to do so much. Life is absolutely beautiful. It can be ugly but we choose what to focus on. Good to stay aware and balanced and not all “head in the clouds” but it is so necessary to know when to turn it all off and go shine someplace.

Dance and movement are something I am working my way back to, and ART is ever-present and holds me up every day. The smell of a room that is used for oil painting is home for me. I am doing all that I can and still, if I had perfect health and lived a hundred years, there still wouldn’t be time enough to do all the wonderful things my heart pulls me toward. I try to stay in touch with it all because as I recover from the strokes and the depression and anxiety that have followed, it’s so important for me to remember the things I CAN do, to remember the things I have done, the things that light me up from the inside, the things that make me forget about the concept of time, and the things that make me feel more than okay. And… at any time, on any day, knowing that I have the power to reach for one of these things and make my own parade.

Dancing with the Circle for Joy & Healing

The Circle is really big for me these days. After surviving strokes earlier this year, I am choosing hoop flow dance as one way to get myself moving, regain strength, heal my brain, and get back in shape. I can only do it for a short time before I get really tired and dizzy, but it's fun which inspires me to do it. Right now I haven't got the actual hula hooping down yet, but I will as I work on it while doing a lot of off-body hooping. At 58, I am an aspiring hoop flow dancer! This video was taken on my recent birthday when friends watched me practice a bit (thanks to Con for the video). I'm SO grateful for the people in my life! I'm so grateful for my life! It's been a really tough year with two strokes in January and a mini-stroke in April. The first stroke in January caused the entire right side of my body to become paralyzed and EMT's had to carry me out of my home. Thankfully I got to the hospital quickly and was able to receive the drug tPa which restored my movement, although my body has a lot of neurological effects that I am working on healing. I have certain forms of aphasia that come and go and it’s very frustrating. Recovery is a long process. I still walk with a cane in public and have balance issues, and some days I can't drive, but I am seeing progress in very small increments as I embrace movement again. Then a few weeks ago I lost my former partner/fiance in a tragic car accident (ironically he never drove). We parted as a couple in 2006 but remained friends. The shock and grief over losing him plus grief over losing my former abilities before the strokes was really heavy and I was getting depressed, which is not something I usually experience. When we get down, it's important to think of what will lift us back up. My people (they know who they are) are #1, the treasures in my life. My art has helped me when I began painting circles. Now the hoop has been saving me and music has too. I'm just a beginner but we all have to start somewhere and I figured, let me give it a try. I love dance and dancing with the hoop brings me SO much joy! This is a way for me to get back to doing what I love while healing my body, mind, and spirit. I am healing.

Cherry Blossoms and a Circle Dance

Remembering the days when I danced and did performances is helping me, even though as I heal from the strokes I may not get back to where I was (can we ever go back?), I believe I will be able to do it in a new way. Even when I did these dances, I never felt well, as I've had health challenges for a long time. Recovering from the strokes is much more challenging and is going slowly, but it is happening.

This photo was taken during a performance at Cinema Arts Centre in Huntington, NY in July, 2011 at a special event honoring Vic Skolnick one year after his passing. I did the performance with my friend William Kruhmin. The Cinema showed the film Cherry Blossoms after our performance and a Cherry Blossom Tree was planted in his honor in their beautiful garden.

William and I had rehearsed for this and had a framework for the performance which was to be contained within a Circle in the brickwork in the garden. The story of our performance was about the gifts we are left with after those we love pass into spirit (gifts represented by roses). I chose a piece of music from the film, Chinsagu No Hana. I represented one of spirit beginning the performance by descending the stairs into the circle, and William was already in the circle and stayed there the whole time. To our dismay, as the music began, I heard that it had been cut in half! It was starting in the middle! Oh my... I wasn't sure what to do.... probably nobody knew, but I feel our performance would have been stronger if we had done it as we planned with the full piece of music. So here we were, on the spot, having to tell the same story in half the time. As I got to the bottom of the stairs, I stared off into space and spoke the words, "This is not the beginning," hoping to alert the sound guy. He didn't hear me, but people were watching and probably thought that was part of the performance. So all we could do was move forward. I had a dozen pink roses that I placed around the circle as I danced.... some people reached for them, but I was a spirit and placed them on the ground around the circle. William began moving around the circle on the opposite side, picking them up and gifting them to people in the audience around us. Eventually we met in the center of the circle and our movements echoed each others.... symbolizing that all our relationships are but a brief and beautiful encounter with another soul. As the music was about to end, I made my way slowly back up the staircase, out of the Circle (life) and William stayed there, holding a rose.

Thanks to William for making it possible. I was so grateful to be able to offer this, as the Cinema Arts Centre is one of the most important places in our community. It was an honor to perform there.

The thing about Cherry Blossoms (Sakura) and why they are so celebrated each year is because they only burst into bloom for a short couple of weeks before they pass. It's so important to grasp beauty, love, joy, life when we have it because nothing lasts forever. Everything is temporary.

The circle paintings I am doing now are a way to accept the present moment whatever it brings, and usually... I would venture to say that always... there is something to find joy in, to sing about, to dance about, to love. In each moment. Even Sensei Kazuo Ohno (one founder of butoh), before he passed at age 104 and could hardly move, still continued to dance with just his eyes.

A Creative Channel for Multimedia Me?

I wanted to post this photo because I love performing, I miss performing, and I loved performing that day at Inisfada in Manhasset, NY for Opera Night, the final event that took place in that glorious mansion before it was heartlessly demolished shortly after. The interior was exquisite with hand-carved wood throughout and everything was just… beyond beautiful. I won’t go on about it because it’s incredibly sad and the details can easily be found online, but it was an honor to get a final glimpse of it that day. I loved this outdoor labyrinth. The estate should have been protected as part of our history, but it’s all gone.

That being said, I miss performing. I’ve had health issues for a long time. My balance has been bad since an acupuncture treatment in 2004 (the acupuncturist didn’t understand what they did or how to undo it). For a time in 2009, I walked with a cane, but somehow I regained strength and by 2010 was busking up in town. It seems to go in cycles, albeit unpredictable ones. For a few months in the summer of 2012, I walked with a cane and could not paint. I prayed to find the creative thing I could do, in my current state at the time. I had been doing self-portrait videos at the time (all on my YouTube channel) and one summer day went with my cane to the beach, set up my little Canon camera on a cheap tripod, put my cane down, walked unsteadily toward the water with the sunset behind me, set the camera to burst ten shots at a time, did different poses, and continued until it was dark. Oooh... how that fed my soul!!! It has nothing to do with me wanting to see myself. It has everything to do with needing to express myself. I made a video of the photos and faded them into each other so it looked like a dance, which I was really missing doing. It’s on my YouTube channel.

Another answer to my prayer came in the form of song. I had no idea I could sing, but I loved singing to myself all the time and to songs on the radio. One Thursday evening in September of 2012, I went to the local UU Fellowship at the request of a friend who was planning an event there and asked me to be a part of it. While I was waiting, I remembered reading on the website that there was a choir and that choir rehearsals were on Thursday evenings. I always dreamed of trying but never thought I could sing. As I waited, I didn’t see anyone except for a secretary who passed me quickly and said hello. I asked if there was choir rehearsal that night and she dashed off saying she’d go get the Choir Director (as I waved my hand saying no!!!) It was funny how it happened. The Choir Director appeared and invited me to go sing. The choir hadn’t arrived yet. He handed me some sheet music and asked, “Can you sing?” “I said, ”I don’t know.” I didn’t read music, either, which I told him. So he played the melody and as I have a good musical memory, I sang it. Soprano. I sat in choir rehearsal that night and sang with the choir the following Sunday. What a joy! It’s amazing how prayers are answered.

Eventually I was able to dance again and not use my cane most of the time. I became active at the UU, not only in the choir but helping out with Sunday Services. I did several performances there during services and one during my art show in the gallery space. One morning as we were setting up for a service, one of my choir friends asked me how I could dance if I had balance issues and sometimes needed a cane to walk. I answered and was happy that he asked. My answer was: “If you really look at me while I’m dancing, I mostly use the upper part of my body - my arms, my hands… (people always remark about how expressive my hands are)… and I balance myself by keeping my feet firmly on the ground and apart.” Also, I wear long dresses or skirts so that the top part of me is highlighted. He understood. I shared my secret. I also heartily endorse the saying (not sure of its origin) that when we stumble, it’s best to work it into the dance. I’ve done that more times than I can count and no-one has ever said they noticed.

In one performance I did at the UU for a service, a performance I titled “The Artist” which I performed a few more times at other locations, I wore a white face mask and a kimono, I had a cd of a beautifully sublime piece of classical music, and had a painting on an easel. It was multimedia…. art, music, dance… AND this performance was also interactive. I was basically going to audience members and miming gestures which they understood, for them to add something to a magical soup I was preparing. It was wonderful!!!! I LOVE people, I LOVE touching people’s hearts! I love making people smile, bringing lightness and levity and a touch of magic to all who are open to it. I miss it terribly!

In recent years, before the pandemic, I hoped to get back to performance, but life got in the way. The ticks in September of 2016 felt like they almost killed me. I was covered with them after visiting a campsite with a friend for the afternoon. Within a 72-hour period, despite showers, so many had clung to me. I had at least 50 bites all over and pulled off 15-20 fully engorged deer ticks. I became seriously ill very quickly. The only one who was checking on me was a friend who was a nurse. I was put on a 21-day dose of doxy and felt better afterward. All symptoms were pretty much gone… until two months later when many returned. I haven’t been the same since. It’s always been something, like the partial loss of vison in my left eye in January 2018 that required vitrectomy surgery. Always something, like a breakup, or the loss of my two beloved cats within a year of each other. I love them all, but losing my Tasha girl still stings like hell.

Despite my health, I always need to be creative. It’s in my blood and bones. Painting has saved my life many times, and dance has been my medicine. So this blog post which is turning out to be much longer than I planned, is really about me asking, since the three strokes I’ve had this year, as I asked in 2012…. what now?

I’ve been doing a lot of life review during this healing time. I think about all that I’ve done, how I don’t feel like I’ve even begun really doing all that I’d like to do in my life yet, even with all my accomplishments despite dealing with many forms of chronic illness over the years, and I think about how I want to move forward.

The thing I realized about myself is that yes, I am an artist, but I also love making music. I love singing and sing every day, even as part of my spiritual practice. I love writing and planned to write a book this year about my creative works (which I may still be able to do in little bits before the year is done). I love dancing and performing, especially for people, to touch their hearts…… this is the key. I LOVE using all the mediums and bringing them together to make a difference. And I know these are my gifts, but I always think I am just borrowing them from Spirit. I was made this way…. to share what I have been given.

So now… since the strokes, with all the need to rest, and with my slow body with poor balance and right side weakness… how, HOW can I share my gifts NOW?

This is what I am asking myself, as creative ideas pour through me like a crystalline waterfall wanting to splash upon all that surrounds. This is what I am praying for, because the ideas, the desire to create and reach out with what I do, the intense yearning to connect to others through my art is so strong in me. Sometimes I cannot rest. I believe when we don’t share all the bigness within, that it can make us sick. I keep trying to share…. and I’ve been successful at times, but then some new thing knocks me down, like the strokes. And I get back up, every single time. And I want to get up now, though I rest a lot. My brain has been through trauma and needs to heal. But my spirit is strong and wants to do, create, share. So how… how……….. HOW?