Today is the last day before I enter the last year of my 50s. Yesterday I went to a favorite place, knowing it was open and that there would be music there, not knowing if I would go until I was actually there as sometimes my body lets me know it's a rest day instead of a doing-day, and I always need to listen to that. I always do my morning prayers, beginning with, "Thank you." I give thanks for my life, for the fact that I can walk, see, hear, play music, paint, dance a bit, and be independent most days, especially since the strokes last year. These are all Blessings.
Where I live is a blessing. I love all the GREEN and forests, freshwater streams, the sea, beach, gardens, wilder places as well as more manicured gold coast estates to wander around where I can enjoy landscape design, architecture, and incredible art within the walls of old mansions that are now museums. My great-grandfather from Poland worked at one estate as a groundskeeper for many years and I drove past it yesterday. My Polish grandfather worked at another one when he was in his 20's (I recently discovered) and I drove past that, too. So much family history in these parts. This was all part of my meandering yesterday.
When I have a whole day where I've actually gotten enough sleep and feel drawn to go out into nature, enjoy driving, and the fact that I CAN drive (not on highways anymore or on rainy nights), but I can. I have always loved driving, and sometimes... often, since last year I am in complete silence as I go along. It is what is soothing to me. When I have these days when I CAN, there is a sense of peace and inner fulfillment that can't be described. Going at my own pace without need for speech, talking, putting thoughts into words for others, it is strenuous for me though I can do it. Having this peace and mobility is a Blessing. This is the day I took for myself yesterday.
This photo is the one I wanted to post today on the last day before I enter the last year of my 50s, near a bridge I crossed, to enter a beautiful serene place and also to leave it. But I kept that serenity with me after I left. And I received GIFTS! The gift of MUSIC... music that spoke to my heart. Hearing the music that helped me find my slow movement again, my butoh. Being in a place where families wandered with their sweet, precious little children and being so glad for them. Sincerely.
Though my life turned out differently, it has been all that it could have been, given circumstances of when/where/how I was born on a Friday night during a thunderstorm and the circumstances I was born into. No regrets... just looking back at all I have done with what I was given. Looking back at all the Blessings. Looking back at how close to death I came many times, and somehow was saved. Allowing myself peace and a lot of time and space to let the inner things gently rise to the surface... all of it... to give it a good, careful, compassionate look and be so very kind to myself, and pat myself on the back for all I've given of myself to this life so far and how I've faced the most difficult times... with grace, with moxy, with heartful awareness, and with incredible resilience.
And I stand here now, a bit wobbly, often unable to acknowledge my strengths though it's getting easier as I choose to do it, often uncertain of my future but having great faith in whatever powers there be that have never, ever let me down. Being here in my new body since last year, not quite knowing where I'm going though attempting to put some stepping stones in place for myself as I can. Standing on one side of a bridge. The Hermit card in the Tarot. The Fool. The Sun. The Nine of Pentacles. The Five of Cups. The Eight of Cups. The Empress. All of me. Here. Now. With Gratitude for this moment. Happy last day of 58 to me. I've come a long way, baby. Tomorrow the journey will continue.