I often think of the many photos that resulted from creative photo shoots I did with photographer Alex M Wolff several years back. Not only was he supportive of my creative ideas, but he captured a lot of 'tween times, the magic moments when I lost myself in the zone and he was watching and caught them in a picture. He's amazing to work with. Here is just one photograph from a photo shoot that felt like many photo shoots in one because of costume changes and the look and feel of the processing afterward. During the shoot, he changed up lighting and gave some direction, but basically I was set free to be me. I love costumes and there have been times in my life, like when I was busking up in town or doing a butoh performance, when I felt more 'me' than I do in regular clothes. It's an intense desire to express myself. It's not about seeing myself, but expressing myself. The desire is still strong and right now the fire is burning me, it hurts..... it seriously hurts, as it's part of who I am, and when I don't have an outlet for it, it's excruciating. One friend a long time ago, before I ever did performances or photo shoots... when painting was my only medium.... one friend noticed I was in a sad/anxious/grumpy mood and this friend asked me, "When did you last paint?" I realized that at that moment, I needed to go to my easel. The mediums I turn to have expanded since then and it's like a palette.... will it be music today, poetry, movement, painting, or photography? Often I cannot choose.
Right now I am starting to move again as I continue to recover from the strokes. I am SO blessed and fortunate that I CAN move..... I go through the scenario in my mind about January 21st, that day... if I hadn't gotten to the hospital as quickly as I did, where would I be? I try not to think about it, but in a way it keeps me in a place of immense gratitude.
But I have a problem - I need to create and let the fire out, but I'm not sure how right now. I need to shine, and I am moving slowly again. I can do a lot despite the need to rest often and move slowly. So what now, I wonder. One of my dreams is to be in a movie. I want to tell stories without words. One thing that is certain is that nothing ever stays the same, and it is important to never underestimate the power of creative resilience. We never know.
