After my strokes last year, I painted many Circle Paintings and I wrote about them in previous posts in this blog. Toward the end of 2022, I felt something more needed to be expressed. Not to diminish the significance of the circles. Actually, I think they are a super important period of my work and who knows if I may turn back to them when they are needed. But I was beginning to feel stuck creatively. Subtle visions drifted through my damaged brain and would float away as quickly as they came, so by the time I had a piece of paper or blank canvas in front of me, nothing came. There may as well have been a brick wall in front of my face. It was excruciating.
When I look back on my life, at times when my art really saved me, I can look to the 80s and 90s when I was so prolific. Those years were challenging because of health issues (heart, lungs, etc.) and most of all losing so many people close to me. In the 90s, every six months someone I cared about passed away. So much was processed through my art and when I felt uneasy, I’d go to the canvas and out came an image, a story that told me something I didn’t know but only felt gnawing at my gut until my hands and eyes and paintbrush brought it out into material form.
With everything that transpired in 2022, I needed my art again and I suppose once the Circle Paintings no longer felt like enough, perhaps it was a sign that my brain was healing. But it was so uncomfortable, not to be able to express. The aphasia with my ability to speak and understand others, including reading and writing, was also extended to doing art. What a kick in the pants.
Something I’ve known about myself for a while is that whenever I get uncomfortable with something in my life, maybe at first I crumble, but then I rise like a tiger and go on a voracious hunt for the answer. I remembered how I was a candidate for a Master’s Degree in Art Therapy years ago before I had to stop working and always hoped I’d be able to go back to school some day. My dream was to get the PhD. That is no longer possible for me, so I have to let that dream go, along with other dreams. But I remembered taking classes at night after work and how powerful different mediums are and how art helps us heal. I remembered and reached out. A couple of months ago, I began working with an Art Therapist and it was the best, healthiest thing I could have done.
Since I began working with the Art Therapist, I have had a breakthrough and am painting again. The Circle Paintings were necessary as I could do nothing else after the strokes. Then as 2022 wrapped up, there was something more that wanted to emerge but the connection between inner and outer wasn't there. Then after many sessions with the Art Therapist, the creative flood gates opened and it is so cathartic!
Even though I have continued physical weakness, pain, numbness, aphasia, short term memory loss, balance issues, and eye issues, the ART is helping me speak and express myself. I am healing from so much - the strokes, losses, and other life challenges. Facing these things head on and addressing the myriad of emotions associated with them is what I embrace with all my heart. ART is a huge healer. Music is too. But the ART is helping in such a big way.
There are many creative pursuits for me now, not only creating art but showing it and I look for opportunities to show my art to feel hopeful, to keep myself looking forward, to keep my hands and my mind active, and to help with healing.
Above is “Impact”, my first painting this year. It can mean so many things. If anyone asks me, I’d be okay sharing what it means to me.
