Here I am at 19 in Florida when I took a road trip with my best friend. I remember that beach filled with the most beautiful sea shells and how peaceful the day was and how perfect the weather. We went to visit my grandparents and had a lot of adventures on the way there and back to New York. It was a trip, in many ways. The best, BEST part was when we pulled into my grandparent’s driveway and saw them through the window as they got up from their chairs and rushed to the door to greet us. Then when we hugged! The love of family. I really miss them.
As many wonderful adventures I had when I was young, and with how many things I wish I'd done differently in my life, I honestly wouldn't go back in time for anything, unless on the inside I could be the me I am now after having so many lessons, learning about myself and my value, learning about my gifts, learning healthy self-love and self-respect, and learning about boundaries. Anyone who winces at these words hasn’t addressed this in themselves yet. It’s not about being arrogant or full of oneself, but knowing who you are, good and bad. Accepting all of it, being able to celebrate yourself as well as own up to the tough stuff inside and address it - that last thing is the most important part. To address it. A lot of it can come from trauma early in life and yet as we grow into adulthood, it’s still our job to make it right.
At 19, there are glimmers of who we are, but we can't fully see or understand until we get that life experience. I wish I had been able to see myself more clearly and I did probably know myself better at that age than most, but that age has its many blind spots. I had big dreams, learned languages, painted every day, got my college degree despite frequent hospital stays for asthma attacks and chronic bronchitis (while often working two jobs), I worked hard at my full-time jobs after college and loved it, and dreamed of traveling the world. My plan was to get my PhD and travel, write, teach, and curate. But plans often go awry. I wasn’t paying attention to my inner self, which was screaming for my attention. Health issues began at 15 with my first lung collapse, but that didn't stop me. There's a time to push. When you're young, you can push through almost anything and think you can conquer the world. I'm still a badass in so many ways, but I've had to temper it and pay attention to my mind and body.
Little by little, health issues came and I had to stop working a regular job before I was thirty. Several issues with my heart emerged over the years, and an unnecessary pacemaker was installed in my late 20’s that I never needed and still have, before I found a competent cardiologist who understood and correctly diagnosed the issues with my rare and uniquely shaped heart. For several years I experienced agoraphobia (which I have pretty much recovered from), then Epstein-Barre, tick-borne illness, then partial vision loss, and other things. This year, strokes.
I've had to pay attention to myself in deep ways and care for myself in a way I wasn’t taught to. With all the challenges, I've accomplished so much and many people think I'm fine physically when they see me, especially if I’m dancing. This year after the strokes, my physical challenges are more apparent, but I get up each day and do my best. Some days my best is very little and it can be difficult not to fall into self-judgment. Kindness and compassion, and knowing when to push and when not to is key now. And I still have big dreams, but they're a bit more manageable than the dreams I had at 19, well… most. Some are still big as it gives me a golden star to shoot for. Everyone needs that star and really I believe it can only come from within. And everyone needs love and compassion, and sometimes the only one you have to provide it for you is you. I’m blessed with friendships, old and new, that keep me feeling connected and held, but ultimately it is up to me how I choose to greet the world and be in the world, which is true for all of us. All these years later, years after this photo was taken at 19, I fully accept that there is still so much to learn and that I am a work in progress and I am okay with that. I also kinda wish I could step into that old photo and give a huge hug to the younger me and tell her not to push herself so hard and let her know it’s okay to let go of the reins a bit and enjoy her beautiful life. Let her know she’s more okay than she thought she was.