So this year has been quite challenging in so many ways. And no-one might ever read this and that’s okay. It’s a blog. The personal thoughts and feelings that I’m willing to put out there so if someone really wants to understand and know what’s going on with me, it’s right here.
That January morning when I woke up early, picked up my laundry, sat down at the computer and began writing the book I planned to publish this year about my art and other creative works. That morning when I was struck down. Thankfully I survived and was blessed with quick help. Previous blog posts mention the details of that day. Then other losses…… recovering is long and types of aphasia that come and go leave me unable to write a lot of the time, or express what’s inside. It’s as if the millions of creative ideas I get every day that really, really want and need to be expressed are inside me someplace bottled up and when I try to express them through any medium, they don’t come. They’re there, but there’s a block. A disconnect. It’s agonizing. Truly agonizing.
Losing Douglas is something I can’t put into words. I cry a little each day. Sometimes a lot. I will miss him for the rest of my life.
I’ve reached out for help to mentors and friends. One spoke with me about finding a new language. Sounds good but I liked being able to write in English. I’m getting a moment of clarity now so I’m writing in this blog. Sometimes I can’t. I wish I could write that book I started on the morning of January 21st this year. Maybe I will do my best and let it be choppy, let it be whatever it is. This seems to be the year when I’m embracing imperfection.
So September came and despite how low I felt in body, mind, and spirit…. craving expression, craving a sense of purpose, craving relief from the crushing blow of loss……. my closest friends (I am so grateful for them) decided to celebrate my birthday with me. I did. I laughed, We laughed our asses off, we had a blast of a day even though it didn’t seem glamorous it was the best birthday I could have hoped for. Friends, food, music, board games, laughter. People who make me feel like home and make me feel that I’m okay wherever I’m at, in whatever frame of mind or state of being….. that I am loved and accepted. That is the very best we can all hope to have in life. This is the treasure. The connections, sense of belonging, and the joy that arises from them.
A week later I got covid. Not from my friends, they’re all careful. I had gone out to a couple of events but I always wear my mask. I’m always careful, but it was impossible at certain points to be six feet away from others and so many are not wearing masks (shame on them). Finally I got it. I felt like crap and as I’m writing this a month later I still don’t feel well and am extremely fatigued, but I survived. That is a big statement considering my general health and how it could have gone. And since then I haven’t been able to work much with my hoop, which was bringing me joy and peace and helping me get stronger. I’ll get back to it when the covid fatigue passes. Hopefully that will be while the weather is still mild here.
I’m low. I’m trying to grasp something in each day. I feel no sense of purpose. It’s everything. This year has pummeled me.
So the new language thing that one of my mentors mentioned….. I remember how this summer Douglas was going to reteach me how to use the recording software I have. I’m doing it anyway and I’m sure it’s far from perfect like it would have been if he was still here guiding me through it.
I’m making sounds, making music of sorts. I have realized that with the types of aphasia I have since the strokes, there are times when if someone speaks too fast, I don’t understand them at all. Also, speaking can be difficult with word recall. There are actually times when I feel like talking is like speaking another language, I have to really think about it and sometimes the words just aren’t there. But sounds… I can do sounds. Singing and music are easier for me than speaking, words, and language. So I’ve been making these little audio pieces. I began using my own language years ago and had made a few recordings using my own language. I promise, if any of the sounds I say/sing resemble actual words in other languages, it is purely unintentional. So I am creating sounds and music of sorts in a language that I feel but that might make no sense to anyone listening. That’s okay. In some way perhaps it will be more powerful that way. If someone feels it, perhaps it will transcend the limitations of words.
Here’s a link to my Sound Cloud page if anyone who actually makes it to this blog, reads to the end of this entry and wants to hear it: https://soundcloud.com/robynbellospirito
